A New Beginning...

Okay, so I've tried this whole blogging thing once before, and it didn't really work out for me, so here I am, trying again. This is the new me. A new beginning. I'm travelling a road that I never thought that I would be travelling. In a way, it is liberating, but, it's also depressing, terrifying, and very VERY lonely.

I left my husband on July 24th of this year. I (mostly) don't regret my decision, because it was a long time coming. I sometimes wonder if our relationship was doomed to fail from the beginning. I was 16 when I met him, 18 when we started.... "dating". He's the only REAL relationship that I have ever really had. But, we went way to fast I think. I left him back in 2003, for good, or so I thought. Then, suddenly, a week later, there's pregnancy, then marriage, then a baby.... then two. A move to Florida, full independence, the works. Things went fast, and were never really thought out. Like I said, I think it was doomed for failure. We both gave what we could, but it just wasn't enough.

So, here I am, a divorced 26-yr old mother of 2. I'm on a road to independence, self-support, self-discovery, clarification, and so much more. It's time for me to figure out what the heck I want.... for the first time EVER. My ex-husband liked to tell me (often) how selfish I was. But, if he really thought about it, he would see that's not really the case. I gave up so much for him and the kids. Including my own self. I threw myself into doing things that I needed to do for them, without a whole lot of thought for what I needed. Now it's time for a little true selfishness.

I'm ready to explore... ready to try new things, meet new people, reconnect with old. Time for me to repair relationships that I ruined because of him, ties I cut-off because he didn't approve of them. It's time for me to take care of me a little. Does this mean I am going to neglect my kids? Hell no. I'm not going to turn into a bar-hopping whore who is gone all the time, never there for my kids. Spending more time with them, and learning all over again to appreciate the wonders that they are is all part of this new voyage. I let myself start to take them for granted, and it's time to put an end to that. There are so many changes to start making. Changes that I am long overdue for. I'm excited, terrified, ready, and not ready... all at the same time, if that's possible.

I am so very lucky that I have such a wonderful family, a great "extended family", and such awesome friends. I know that no matter how lonely I actually feel (and trust me, I feel very lonely, just about all the time right now), I know that I am by no means actually alone. All I need to do is turn in any direction, and there is someone there for me.

So, after all that babbling, basically... this new journal is to catalog the journey through my self-discovery. If I bore you, I am sorry. Don't read...