Do You Believe in Magic?

I don't know what I believe anymore. I really don't. I feel so lost lately.... I feel like there's no place that I actually belong... no place I actually fit. I have people telling me, "Pray about it," and, "God will provide," but honestly, I just don't know that I believe that anymore. I don't know if I ever actually did. I know some people who will read this will be upset with me, and I'm sorry about that. I mean I was raised to believe in God, but I struggled with that belief all my life. I didn't know what I really believed in! I knew I was supposed to believe, and I hated that I didn't believe. So, I pretended. I didn't want anyone to know the truth. I still don't know what I believe. I mean, I would like to believe that there is a God. But honestly, I'm so angry and hurt and scared and in pain that it's hard to believe. If I believe in God, then I have to believe that he let all these bad things happen. I don't know that I want to believe that. I'm confused. Scared. Unsure. All of the above. I feel inadequate. I feel as though I am not a good parent, a good person, a good friend... any of those. I've done some pretty bad things. I've hurt a lot of people, ruined a few friendships and relationships. I've bad some piss-poor decisions, some of which have come back to "haunt" me now. I lay in bed some nights, struggling to sleep, and thinking of so many things. I sometimes let my mind wander through the different pathways that my life could have taken had I made one decision or another. All that does it depress me. And it makes me feel guilty that I think that way. And then I get mad that I feel guilty. And the cycle starts all over again. I wish I could be a better person, but I'm not. I think about certain things that I have done recently, and while part of me feels bad, the other part so does not. Then I feel guilty because I don't feel bad. It makes me wonder what the hell happened to my conscience? Did I ever have one? If I did, when did I lose it? If I didn't, why did I not have one, and what do I do to get one? All these questions... this is why I can't sleep at night. This is why even when I take 6 sleeping pills at a time, I still cannot sleep. I feel an ache in me... I feel an empty hole. I do not know WHAT should be in that empty hole, I just know it's there. I don't know how to fill it, or if it will ever be filled. So I search. I search to find what is supposed to be there, and I wonder if I will know it when I find it. So... here I am, a holey, un-holy, conscience-less, wandering, wondering fool... with no clear way to go.

Confession for today:

I had someone offer me money for... "favors" today... the confession? I actually considered it... I have no damn money... no way to pay my car insurance, bill collectors chasing after me, Christmas presents still to buy, Grandparents to pay back, I need diapers, wipes, and toothpaste for the kids... So yeah, I considered it. But, I didn't want to fulfill the prophesies of my dads and grandfather, so, I said no.