So I had my first day back at Debt Shield today. Love being back! It was nice to see some old friends! I have training all the rest of this week, and then I'll be on the floor come Monday. Kids did well at Cindy's house, had a good time, and David didn't even want to come home, LOL... So, yeah, that's about all that happened today... Glad to have a good day though! Looking forward to tomorrow!
Confession-for-the-day:
There's someone in my past who I've been thinking about lately. I loved him very much, but our timing just wasn't right. I stumbled across a picture of us together, and a few of just him, and it got me to thinking about him. I haven't talked to him in forever, and I have no idea where he is anymore. I was really close with his parents too, and, sadly, I also lost touch with them. I wonder where he is.... and I miss him.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Yo necesito un poco de paz en mi vida...
Wow. Seriously, just wow. Not much to report today, except that I am in pain! I worked 10 hours today. BUT, I made money! Today was my last day to earn some cash... I won't work at the stand once I start my "real" job... I'll just be too tired AND I will be away from the kids for too long. Won't do that. Thank goodness for Di watching the kids today and for Mom Crump watching them all week so that I could work. They've saved my butt! I'm going to try and find some time soon to finish my shopping. I have to look for just the right bracelet for Sissy... Hope I can find it. Have a few other last minute stuff for David. So, that's it for now...
Confession-of-the-day:
I am dreading Christmas. Honestly, I can't wait for this to just be over. I used to love Christmas, now I just don't. I want it to be over. I am feeling very Scrooge-like. Bah-humbug. I'm not sure why I am not excited about it this year... could be money, could be that this is the first Christmas I've been single in a long time, and the holidays are "family" and all... IDK. Whatever.
Confession-of-the-day:
I am dreading Christmas. Honestly, I can't wait for this to just be over. I used to love Christmas, now I just don't. I want it to be over. I am feeling very Scrooge-like. Bah-humbug. I'm not sure why I am not excited about it this year... could be money, could be that this is the first Christmas I've been single in a long time, and the holidays are "family" and all... IDK. Whatever.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Do You Believe in Magic?
I don't know what I believe anymore. I really don't. I feel so lost lately.... I feel like there's no place that I actually belong... no place I actually fit. I have people telling me, "Pray about it," and, "God will provide," but honestly, I just don't know that I believe that anymore. I don't know if I ever actually did. I know some people who will read this will be upset with me, and I'm sorry about that. I mean I was raised to believe in God, but I struggled with that belief all my life. I didn't know what I really believed in! I knew I was supposed to believe, and I hated that I didn't believe. So, I pretended. I didn't want anyone to know the truth. I still don't know what I believe. I mean, I would like to believe that there is a God. But honestly, I'm so angry and hurt and scared and in pain that it's hard to believe. If I believe in God, then I have to believe that he let all these bad things happen. I don't know that I want to believe that. I'm confused. Scared. Unsure. All of the above. I feel inadequate. I feel as though I am not a good parent, a good person, a good friend... any of those. I've done some pretty bad things. I've hurt a lot of people, ruined a few friendships and relationships. I've bad some piss-poor decisions, some of which have come back to "haunt" me now. I lay in bed some nights, struggling to sleep, and thinking of so many things. I sometimes let my mind wander through the different pathways that my life could have taken had I made one decision or another. All that does it depress me. And it makes me feel guilty that I think that way. And then I get mad that I feel guilty. And the cycle starts all over again. I wish I could be a better person, but I'm not. I think about certain things that I have done recently, and while part of me feels bad, the other part so does not. Then I feel guilty because I don't feel bad. It makes me wonder what the hell happened to my conscience? Did I ever have one? If I did, when did I lose it? If I didn't, why did I not have one, and what do I do to get one? All these questions... this is why I can't sleep at night. This is why even when I take 6 sleeping pills at a time, I still cannot sleep. I feel an ache in me... I feel an empty hole. I do not know WHAT should be in that empty hole, I just know it's there. I don't know how to fill it, or if it will ever be filled. So I search. I search to find what is supposed to be there, and I wonder if I will know it when I find it. So... here I am, a holey, un-holy, conscience-less, wandering, wondering fool... with no clear way to go.
Confession for today:
I had someone offer me money for... "favors" today... the confession? I actually considered it... I have no damn money... no way to pay my car insurance, bill collectors chasing after me, Christmas presents still to buy, Grandparents to pay back, I need diapers, wipes, and toothpaste for the kids... So yeah, I considered it. But, I didn't want to fulfill the prophesies of my dads and grandfather, so, I said no.
Confession for today:
I had someone offer me money for... "favors" today... the confession? I actually considered it... I have no damn money... no way to pay my car insurance, bill collectors chasing after me, Christmas presents still to buy, Grandparents to pay back, I need diapers, wipes, and toothpaste for the kids... So yeah, I considered it. But, I didn't want to fulfill the prophesies of my dads and grandfather, so, I said no.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Oye...
So yeah... Worked today. It was raining... let me tell you... wet tree branches are nasty and messy... and they hurt your hands, LOL. But, I feel good at the end of the day because I know that I busted my hump for the money I'm making... so I know that I am doing whatever I can to be able to do good for my kids. More than I can say for a lot of people. I'm also excited to start my "new" job on Monday. I'm looking forward to it! Lots more work to come... yay.
Confession for today:
Honestly, there are so many many many confessions to make... and I've started to type quite a few of them, but then I think about who MIGHT read this, and I just cannot. Call me a chicken, you'd be right. So, unfortunately, as much as I want to confess all, I just can't do it. I've always been too worried about what people think about me. Okay, so that's a good confession. I try to portray myself as a confident person who does not care what people think. It's a lie. I'm so not confident. I'm very self-conscious... about the way I look, about my education, about everything. I get more self-conscious as I get older, not less. And as for the not caring what people think of me part... well, yeah, that's a lie. I have always worried about what people think of me. I don't want people to think of me as a bad person, or not like me, or whatever. I don't know why I care, but I do. THIS is why I can't really pour out all my confessions for everyone to read. I wouldn't be able to face the way people would look at me, or what they would think about me. Ugh.. yeah, I'm a chicken.
Confession for today:
Honestly, there are so many many many confessions to make... and I've started to type quite a few of them, but then I think about who MIGHT read this, and I just cannot. Call me a chicken, you'd be right. So, unfortunately, as much as I want to confess all, I just can't do it. I've always been too worried about what people think about me. Okay, so that's a good confession. I try to portray myself as a confident person who does not care what people think. It's a lie. I'm so not confident. I'm very self-conscious... about the way I look, about my education, about everything. I get more self-conscious as I get older, not less. And as for the not caring what people think of me part... well, yeah, that's a lie. I have always worried about what people think of me. I don't want people to think of me as a bad person, or not like me, or whatever. I don't know why I care, but I do. THIS is why I can't really pour out all my confessions for everyone to read. I wouldn't be able to face the way people would look at me, or what they would think about me. Ugh.. yeah, I'm a chicken.
I like this song...
BEYONCE - IF I WERE A BOY lyrics
even just for a day,
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go
drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls,
I'd get with who I wanted
and I'll never get confronted for it
cause they'd stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
how it feels to love a girl,
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'cause I know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted
'cause he's taking you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
tell everyone it's broken
so they think
that I was sleeping alone
I'd put myself first
and make the rules as I go
'cause I know that she'll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home
(to come home)
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
how it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'cause I know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted
cause he's taken you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed!
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think I'd forgive you like that?!
If you thought I would wait for you, you thought wrong
But you're just a boy,
you don't understand
how it feels to love a girl
someday you'll wish you were a better man...
You don't listen to her,
you don't care how it hurts
until you lose the one you wanted
'cause you taken her for granted
and everything you had got destroyed
but you're just a boy...
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Are we there yet?
I hurt today. Seriously, I am too young to feel this old! Again, not much happened today. I worked all day at the stand. My body is killing me. Then Mom Crump called and asked for me to come home early, so I can spend time with the kids. I miss them! I feel like I haven't spent time with them in a few days... oh wait, I haven't! I hate that I have to work! I need to find myself a rich man, so I can stay at home with the kids... LOL. Sure, Santa, that's what I want for Christmas!! I was thinking today about something that my grandpa told me a long time ago... Don't know why I thought about it today, but it's been bugging me. I remember him telling me when I was about... maybe 14 or 15 that I was going to be a whore when I got older. When I asked him why, he said it was because I was, and I quote, "... built like a brick sh*thouse." Seriously? So yeah... I'm going to be a whore because of that... thanks gramps! Then, even before that, I remember back when I was maybe 10 or 11. My mom had given me some make-up to play with. I was only allowed to wear it at home, since it was just for fun. My dad came to pick me up, and saw that I had a bag of make-up... and he said I would be a whore, because I was wearing make-up so young. Then, of course, there was my step-dad... who always assumed I was a whore, even when I had never even kissed a boy. WTF? Why would these 3 men in my life ALL tell me I was going to grow-up to be one? Luckily though, I proved all of them wrong. One of them has actually retracted what he said, another died before he could, and the third never bothered. But seriously, why would grown men tell a young girl something like that? Why do parents/adults not think about what they say to kids, and how that will effect them when they get older? Thinking about that made me think about some of the things I've said to my kids.... and I feel horrible. Why would I say these things? Could be because many of the things I say to my kids, are the same things that were said to me. But honestly, it's time I take responsibility. Regardless of what was said or done to me, that does not give me an excuse to say/do it to my kids. So, I need to start making a conscious effort to watch what I say to them from here on out. I need to treat my kids better than the way I was treated growing up.
Confession for today:
I had a one-night-stand a long time ago... I don't even know his last name. Hell, I barely remember his first name. I felt like I was fulfilling the prophesy of the men in my life.... and I felt like shit.
Confession for today:
I had a one-night-stand a long time ago... I don't even know his last name. Hell, I barely remember his first name. I felt like I was fulfilling the prophesy of the men in my life.... and I felt like shit.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
......
Lyrics to This Is Me :
I've always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I've got to say
But I have this dream
Right inside of me
I'm gonna let it show, it's time
To let you know
To let you know
This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star
Even though it seems
Like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way
This is real, This is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you, I gotta find you
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you, I gotta find you
This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me (this is me)
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
I've always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I've got to say
But I have this dream
Right inside of me
I'm gonna let it show, it's time
To let you know
To let you know
This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star
Even though it seems
Like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way
This is real, This is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you, I gotta find you
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you, I gotta find you
This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me (this is me)
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
Dammit Janet
Okay, so now I'm just using random titles... but it's fun! Anyway... today is yet another day. Nothing exciting. Relaxed for a while during the day, and then went to the tree stand to work. I actually find that I really do like working there. Why? People. Good company always makes what would normally be a crappy task a little more fun. I enjoy the tree stand group! I have made some new friends and just have had a good time. Of course, making money doesn't hurt either. My goal is to make at least another $150 to go finish my Christmas shopping with. Hopefully that will be enough for the last of the stuff I need to get. David SAID he's going to send me money from his next paycheck... but I assure you, I won't be holding my breath.
Confession for today:
I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by people... but I'm lonely. I don't know why. I wish I was stronger about it... but I'm not.
So, okay, not much of a confession... but all I could think of right now.
Confession for today:
I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by people... but I'm lonely. I don't know why. I wish I was stronger about it... but I'm not.
So, okay, not much of a confession... but all I could think of right now.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Just Another Manic Monday...
Oye... just another day in paradise I guess. Went Christmas shopping today. Got some good stuff for the kids, and a few things that I am really excited about! It just sucks that I have to get grandma to buy most of the stuff, since I still have no money to go shopping with. David got upset with me today because I sounded "bitter" about having to work outside at a tree stand for $6/hour just to get some money. Well hell yes I am bitter! If he was paying his child support like the courts mandated, I wouldn't be having this problem, now would I??? He's not paying any bills... not paying for anything, so why the hell can't he pay his damn child support? It's stupid, and selfish in my opinion. Whatever. I'm getting used to being broke... and I'm done expecting him to actually go through with his responsibilities. I'll be busting my hump the rest of this week just to earn enough to finish the Christmas shopping. It's lucky for me that I actually do enjoy working up there.... good company will do that.
Confession for today:
I am currently hating my life. I know I shouldn't, because I am luckier than most... but I do. Hopefully some day I'll get over that. Hopefully.
Confession for today:
I am currently hating my life. I know I shouldn't, because I am luckier than most... but I do. Hopefully some day I'll get over that. Hopefully.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
One is the loneliest number
I am lonely. How sad is that? In a house of 8 people, with as large a family as I have, with all my friends, I am lonely. Why is that? Why do I feel like I have to be "with" someone to not be alone. I have more than a lot of people... I have 2 wonderful kids, a HUGE family/extended family that loves me, many friends... yet I feel lonely. I guess it's that one major regret I have about leaving David... that leaves me alone. Leaves me as just "one". It's lonely. I don't have that special person... And it sucks. It is weird for me... I've always been "with" someone.... since I was in High School... starting with my first boyfriend.... I've never been without a "partner" for long... and then I was with David from the time I was 18... so for 8 years I have been a long-term girlfriend and then wife. It's a hard adjustment going from WIFE to single. And it's lonely. And frustrating. And pretty much all-around sucky. I guess I have to get used to it... there's no change for it in the near future... those guys I do know are either taken or not interested. So... I guess I keep going out and trying, and maybe eventually I will miss that one certain person... Or, I'll live with being alone....
Confession-of-the-day:
I sometimes dream about a man who is taken. I haven't acted on it (at least, not in a long time)... but I do have the occasional dream about him. I guess even when you think that you are over something, your subconscious tells you otherwise.
Confession-of-the-day:
I sometimes dream about a man who is taken. I haven't acted on it (at least, not in a long time)... but I do have the occasional dream about him. I guess even when you think that you are over something, your subconscious tells you otherwise.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Jibber-jabber
Today was pretty much a typical day. Worked during the morning/afternoon. Then came home and read a book and finished it... I love reading! I need more books. Anyway, so that's about the extent of my day! It's nice to have a good day with no excitement. I have too much going on to add more on top of it. I am tired though... I'm not used to getting up at 6am.
Confession-of-the-day:
It's been quite a while... I need some... well... yeah. So... that kind of sucks. But I'm not a slut, so I can't find someone just random, so that makes it a bit more difficult, LOL...
Confession-of-the-day:
It's been quite a while... I need some... well... yeah. So... that kind of sucks. But I'm not a slut, so I can't find someone just random, so that makes it a bit more difficult, LOL...
Friday, December 5, 2008
Creative Insults...
These are some of my favorite "creative" insults...
Go wag your ears (Shakespeare)
He couldn't make a friend if he milked a bull.
-------------------------------------
were i to find him in the wild being torn apart alive by rabid dogs, i'd merrily sell popcorn
---------------------------------------
Your IQ is lower than that of George W. Bush
------------------------------------
Person A: "You read my mind!"
Person B: "It was a short story anyway."
----------------------------
Person A: *talking to self*
Person B: "Why are you talking to yourself?"
Person A: "Just addressing the most intelligent person in the room, is all."
--------------------------
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
--------------------------------
Don't worry, girl, that mustache makes you look dignified.
--------------------------------------
Those pants not only make you look fat, it makes me think you're smuggling midgets.
------------------------------------------
"Why don't you go slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma."
------------------------------------
I'm sorry, I don't speak fucktard.
---------------------------------
Shh. Listen. Do you hear that?
*silence*
That's the sound of no one giving a shit.
*cue angry reply*
Huh. There it is again.
----------------------------------
Go wag your ears (Shakespeare)
He couldn't make a friend if he milked a bull.
-------------------------------------
were i to find him in the wild being torn apart alive by rabid dogs, i'd merrily sell popcorn
---------------------------------------
Your IQ is lower than that of George W. Bush
------------------------------------
Person A: "You read my mind!"
Person B: "It was a short story anyway."
----------------------------
Person A: *talking to self*
Person B: "Why are you talking to yourself?"
Person A: "Just addressing the most intelligent person in the room, is all."
--------------------------
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
--------------------------------
Don't worry, girl, that mustache makes you look dignified.
--------------------------------------
Those pants not only make you look fat, it makes me think you're smuggling midgets.
------------------------------------------
"Why don't you go slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma."
------------------------------------
I'm sorry, I don't speak fucktard.
---------------------------------
Shh. Listen. Do you hear that?
*silence*
That's the sound of no one giving a shit.
*cue angry reply*
Huh. There it is again.
----------------------------------
Meeting someone?
This is something that is hard to do! I mean, I was thinking about it... the people that I hang-out with are all taken, or have no interest... Plus, honestly, I'm so weird about "making a move" with new people. I don't know how to do it! Take yesterday for example...
The kids, Diana, Diana's mom, and I were all at McDonalds. There was the really cute guy there with his daughter. According to Diana, he kept looking at me... She told me I needed to go talk to him, give him my number, something. I just couldn't do it. I was to shy to do it. I mean, it's been 8 years since I've gone "trolling"... I have no idea even how to do it now... Plus, it's hard to feel like you're attractive to guys when you're 26... divorced... and have 2 kids. They tend to lose interest after the 2 kids part...
Okay, I will share another confession for today:
I was trolling when we were at the Turtle... And sadly, there were a couple of "people" who I was interested in, but I guarantee you they were not interested... But, I will NOT confess who ;-)
The kids, Diana, Diana's mom, and I were all at McDonalds. There was the really cute guy there with his daughter. According to Diana, he kept looking at me... She told me I needed to go talk to him, give him my number, something. I just couldn't do it. I was to shy to do it. I mean, it's been 8 years since I've gone "trolling"... I have no idea even how to do it now... Plus, it's hard to feel like you're attractive to guys when you're 26... divorced... and have 2 kids. They tend to lose interest after the 2 kids part...
Okay, I will share another confession for today:
I was trolling when we were at the Turtle... And sadly, there were a couple of "people" who I was interested in, but I guarantee you they were not interested... But, I will NOT confess who ;-)
This makes me scared...
Look at her! She looks too old already! Please God, I'm not prepared for when she's a teenager!
More...
First, I want to thank everyone who commented to me personally, or on my journal... I thank-you! The feedback has been great!
On another note, there is one person who is ticked about it... and that's David. He says that I made him out to be this horrible person. Here's the thing, nothing that I said was a lie about him, so if he sees that as him being a bad person... well... if the shoe fits. And plus... the whole confession thing, it wasn't about him... yes, he was mentioned in it, but it wasn't all about him... it was about me, and things that I've put up with, been through, etc in my life...
So... updates now...
I got a job. I will be going back to Debt Shield on the 15th. I'm happy about this! I worked for them before I moved to Florida, and I loved that place! So to be able to go back makes me thrilled! The only downside is that I won't get a paycheck until after the 1st... so that means no money for Christmas. So, I picked-up some shifts at a friend's Tree stand to make some extra cash. It's not much, but it's helpful, and it means cash in my pockets.
As for the kids, they are driving me nuts! They are getting worse and worse. Out of control. Their behavior is despicable. I don't know how to get them back on track. Spankings aren't helping, regular punishments aren't working... I'm just at a lost as to what to do.
I am back on my meds now. Just started taking them again. Things were starting to get rough, and I decided that it's good to get back on them, because they really helped me before, so hopefully they will help me again. They make me sane... or at least as sane as I can be.
I also think that it would be a good idea to get a shrink again... .yeah, I spilled my guts on here once, but it doesn't really help. I need someone who I can talk to about everything going on in my life... and everything that has happened before. There's still so many things that I just cannot talk about, even in a confession. Too many people would be hurt by what I have to say, so I keep it bottled up inside, festering like a wound. Eventually, if you keep that much stuff bottled up, you will explode. So, in the meantime, I just drug myself... Whatever works, right?
Anyway, I have decided to do a "confession-a-day" kind of thing... every day that I make a journal post, I will share one confession.... maybe this will help?!
Confession for today:
I did not want my daughter when I found out I was pregnant. I thought I did, I was excited at first, but then I freaked. I had to be drugged half-way through my pregnancy because I was almost suicidal. After I had her, I had a lot of animosity towards her... there was a lot of anger. Obviously it was irrational, but it was there none-the-less. I really didn't start to want a relationship with her until after about a year. It wasn't until I realized that she was running to Mindy if she hurt herself, and didn't want me that I realized what I was doing. It changed after that, and it's all good between us now, but I will forever punish myself for the way I felt towards her for too long.
On another note, there is one person who is ticked about it... and that's David. He says that I made him out to be this horrible person. Here's the thing, nothing that I said was a lie about him, so if he sees that as him being a bad person... well... if the shoe fits. And plus... the whole confession thing, it wasn't about him... yes, he was mentioned in it, but it wasn't all about him... it was about me, and things that I've put up with, been through, etc in my life...
So... updates now...
I got a job. I will be going back to Debt Shield on the 15th. I'm happy about this! I worked for them before I moved to Florida, and I loved that place! So to be able to go back makes me thrilled! The only downside is that I won't get a paycheck until after the 1st... so that means no money for Christmas. So, I picked-up some shifts at a friend's Tree stand to make some extra cash. It's not much, but it's helpful, and it means cash in my pockets.
As for the kids, they are driving me nuts! They are getting worse and worse. Out of control. Their behavior is despicable. I don't know how to get them back on track. Spankings aren't helping, regular punishments aren't working... I'm just at a lost as to what to do.
I am back on my meds now. Just started taking them again. Things were starting to get rough, and I decided that it's good to get back on them, because they really helped me before, so hopefully they will help me again. They make me sane... or at least as sane as I can be.
I also think that it would be a good idea to get a shrink again... .yeah, I spilled my guts on here once, but it doesn't really help. I need someone who I can talk to about everything going on in my life... and everything that has happened before. There's still so many things that I just cannot talk about, even in a confession. Too many people would be hurt by what I have to say, so I keep it bottled up inside, festering like a wound. Eventually, if you keep that much stuff bottled up, you will explode. So, in the meantime, I just drug myself... Whatever works, right?
Anyway, I have decided to do a "confession-a-day" kind of thing... every day that I make a journal post, I will share one confession.... maybe this will help?!
Confession for today:
I did not want my daughter when I found out I was pregnant. I thought I did, I was excited at first, but then I freaked. I had to be drugged half-way through my pregnancy because I was almost suicidal. After I had her, I had a lot of animosity towards her... there was a lot of anger. Obviously it was irrational, but it was there none-the-less. I really didn't start to want a relationship with her until after about a year. It wasn't until I realized that she was running to Mindy if she hurt herself, and didn't want me that I realized what I was doing. It changed after that, and it's all good between us now, but I will forever punish myself for the way I felt towards her for too long.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Since I don't have my shrink anymore...
Since I don't have my shrink anymore, why not just spill my guts to a bunch of people who may THINK they know me, but likely don't.... What the heck... I'm already judged my quite a few, why not give them more reason to judge?
I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood. There's a reason for that. I'm not saying that growing-up my whole life was hell, because that's not entirely true.... but there were some things that happened that were bad enough that I mentally blocked them. I remember some pretty bad shit, so if that's what I DO remember, I'm not sure that I ever want to know what I DON'T remember.
I only have random memories of actually being a kid. Kind of like little mental photographs... but I only really "remember" the stories because I've been told them so often. I do remember bits and pieces of Nebraska... bits and pieces that I wish I could forget. I remember that my mom worked... a LOT. That was when Kelly was born. I was 6. I remember my step-dad leaving me, sitting in my toy room. He left me there for hours. I couldn't eat, drink, or go to the bathroom. When you are 6 years old, it's impossible to control your... functions... for that long. He would leave me there like that until just before my mom got home. THen he would get me up, beat the crap out of me for what I did, tell me to clean-up, and then threaten me. "I'll send you away if you tell..." As bad as things were, I didn't want thim to send me away. I loved my mom too much to leave her. It was a threat that my step-dad used for years... until I was old enough to realize that he couldn't do it anymore. This went on for two years. Like I said, if I remember this, I don't want to know what I forgot. I don't remember much more about Nebraska, except that it was horrible, and that Kelly was born.
I remember some pretty crappy things about when I was at my dad's house... I remember being humiliated. I love my siblings now, but we were horrible to each other then. I was the stupid one. The PG County school educated one... the half-wit among brilliance... or at least that was what I was told. I remember my dad humiliating me because I didn't know what an opus was. He made me feel like I was only around out of obligation. He had his new family, and I never quite felt like I fit in there. I remember being tormented about stuttering... here's the thing though... that was something that I only EVER did at my dad's house. I was terrified of being humiliated, and embarrassed, that I just ended up making things worse. When I turned 17... actually, on my 17th birthday, my dad "disowned" me, because I was moving in with my grandparents. He told me that I was no longer his daughter. He told me this while I was at work. He said that he would be civil to me at my sister's wedding, but that was it. Ironic considering that he had never really been civil to me before. What's funny is that when he did this, that's when my step-mom and I started to build a relationship. Now I cannot imagine my life without her. Just after that, we went to our first Creation together... Dad, Allie, and I. We made friends that are life-long. They helped my dad and I to both forgive each other. We finally started to have a REAL relationship after that. When I found out about my dad's cancer, I was devastated. When we found out it was terminal, it just about killed me. When he died, I wanted to die. I had had too few good years with him, and now he was gone. I still think about him every day. I see him in my daughter... she is so her grandfather... she's just as nasty as he was =) I wish that my kids, and all my nieces and nephews, and all the grandkids to come could have had a chance to know him...
I've tried letting go of a lot of things that have happened to me. I have (mostly) forgiven, if not forgotten. I love my family now, I've tried to bury the past, but I know that it's part of why I am as screwed-up as I am. I constantly doubt myself, question myself, I have absolutely no faith in myself, at all.
I have been raped once, and came close a second time. Very few people know about it, and they only know because they were there for the aftermath. Both instances happened because I was so naive, and so stupid. I trusted people, even though I had learned time and time again that I shouldn't. I have been in a very abusive relationship. Thank God for my "family" across the street... if it wasn't for those boys threatening to kill him if he ever came near me again... well... I shudder to think about it.
I blame myself for these instances. If I had been smarter... paying attention, not been so... me, maybe they wouldn't have happened. Here's the thing... no matter what anyone tells me, this is how I will likely always feel. That's just me... I always blame myself.
Shortly after that, David and I reconnect. It was trouble from the beginning. We never really dated. We jumped into trouble. There were other girls throughout our whole relationship... and other men. I won't say that I was innocent in that. I wasn't. I did stupid shit, as did he. Difference was, he did it because he was a cheater... I did it because (1) I was trying, unsuccessfully, to punish him... and (2) I was lonely a lot. We fought, a lot... cops were called frequently. I was doing a lot of drugs back then, drinking a lot, and taking fistfuls of tylenol PM just to sleep my way through the... well... everything. Some people knew what was going on, most did not. I got dangerously close to over the edge. My grandmother once found an empty bottle of tylenol PM, one that she had just bought a few days before. She called 911 on me and told them I tried to commit suicide. I was given the option of jail or therapy. I chose therapy. Yeah, didn't help much. They diagnosed me with bi-polar... which I already knew... they only gave me a prescription for enough meds for 1 month... just long enough for it to start working, before they were gone. Back into the mist... the fog... the whatever. I finally stopped the drugs... well, all but the tylenol PM. I honestly don't remember when I quit taking those. But, I drank enough to make-up for the lack of drugs. With David around, there was never a lack of alcohol. I fell in too deep... and then, I was pregnant. David had just told me 1 week before that he was sleeping with 5 women at one time... I was only 1 of a posse of females he had. I left him... fell deeper. THen... I found out about the pregnancy. I didn't know what to do. My step-mom begged me to keep it. My mom begged me to come to Florida. A few begged me to get rid of "it". I couldn't. Regardless of the situation, I knew I wanted the baby. David did a 180... sort of. I remember once being pregnant, and showing up at Champions. He had told me that the Don Pablo's Christmas party had been canceled. He had already proposed to me, and he was supposed to be at my house to take me to the airport the next morning, and he was nowhere to be found... So, I knew where he was. I showed up at Champions, and there he was... with one of his other girlfriends. Wow... why was I surprised? I shouldn't have been. I started a fight... and he ended up leaving me stranded in a parking lot... in the middle of night, in Laurel, which isn't a great place to be left alone... and pregnant. Again... wow... I didn't leave though, I didn't want to be a single mom raising a kid alone. Ironic now, considering my current circumstances. We married... we made it work for a while. We moved to Florida. I was so alone. I had no friends, didn't see my family a lot... David was never around. He had friends that he continuously left me, and the kids for. I started going to school... I was trying to raise a 2 yr old, a newborn, was working full-time and going to school, and he just wasn't around to help. And he would get angry because I was spending time on school, instead of him and the kids... yet he wasn't around... again, ironic. He had friends who would constantly get him into trouble... he stay out until 4, 5, 6 in the morning sometimes. And I was home, alone... always. Then... thank God... I started my playgroup... Jax Mommies. This group saved my damn life. I finally made friends... women like me. I met amazing women... including Mindy. I don't know what the hell I would've done without her. I won't get into the mushy details... but that woman, and her family, saved me. She helped me to start to become myself again. Helped me gain control of my kids, and finally, after a while, helped me to see that it was time to let go. Let go of what I had been holding on to for so long. During this time, I also found out about David and another woman. I still don't know what completely happened, or how far it went. I do know that I found messages between them, including him telling her he loved her. It broke my heart, but, deep-down, I think I was kind of relieved. We tried one last effort to make it work, but it was too late then. I left. Mindy was there, Amanda was there, even when certain people in my family turned their backs... they were there. Amanda let the kids and I move in with her... they helped us. Again, I thank God for them. Mindy pulled me back from the edge when some heart-breaking things happened to me. That's a story for another confession, but she kept me from going completely over. Then, came the finalization of the divorce, and the fact that David was finding his current girlfriend more important than his kids. He also stopped paying child support. I couldn't afford to live in FLorida anymore. I had no choice but to come home. Home to Maryland... a place of so many bad memories, and so many good ones. People who loved me still, even though I had been gone 4 years. I'm scared of this new step. Being a single mom... of 2. Being single for the first time in 8 years... not knowing where my life is going from here. Being alone during the holidays. I feel a hole... at first I thought that I might actually be missing David... but then I realized, that's not it. I miss the idea of him. Knowing that there was someone who would be my "date" to parties, get-togethers, etc... Someone who would (eventually) make it home. Someone to share the bed with... besides my wild-sleeping toddlers. I miss the idea of being a wife... of being 1 part of 2. I'm sure I'll get over it... but damn the holidays are a bad time to be alone. I don't know what I want right now. I don't know where I am going. I don't know who I am. But it's about damn time I find out. I'm scared, I'm losing control right now. I'm, once again, going over the edge, and I don't know this time what will pull me back. I'm hoping that now that I have a job... and will have money coming in... maybe this will change. I don't know. I'm irrationally angry all the time, lashing out at my kids... the ones who need me now more than ever... and I can't help it. I hate myself for it, which just makes me more angry. It's an ugly cycle, and I have to pull myself out of it. I don't know if I am strong enough for this, but I also know that I don't have a choice, I have to be. They need me to be. I guess after so may years of being told that I will not survive alone, that I am never going to find someone to love me, someone who cares about me, someone who will "put up with me"... I started to believe it. But, I guess only time will tell. And, if it really is true... well then I eventually have to be comfortable enough with myself to know that it's okay. You don't have to be 1 part of 2 to be happy in life.
So, there's my (partial) confession... I don't know how many people will be angry with me because of all of this... but I hope that they aren't, and that they realize that confession is good for the soul...
I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood. There's a reason for that. I'm not saying that growing-up my whole life was hell, because that's not entirely true.... but there were some things that happened that were bad enough that I mentally blocked them. I remember some pretty bad shit, so if that's what I DO remember, I'm not sure that I ever want to know what I DON'T remember.
I only have random memories of actually being a kid. Kind of like little mental photographs... but I only really "remember" the stories because I've been told them so often. I do remember bits and pieces of Nebraska... bits and pieces that I wish I could forget. I remember that my mom worked... a LOT. That was when Kelly was born. I was 6. I remember my step-dad leaving me, sitting in my toy room. He left me there for hours. I couldn't eat, drink, or go to the bathroom. When you are 6 years old, it's impossible to control your... functions... for that long. He would leave me there like that until just before my mom got home. THen he would get me up, beat the crap out of me for what I did, tell me to clean-up, and then threaten me. "I'll send you away if you tell..." As bad as things were, I didn't want thim to send me away. I loved my mom too much to leave her. It was a threat that my step-dad used for years... until I was old enough to realize that he couldn't do it anymore. This went on for two years. Like I said, if I remember this, I don't want to know what I forgot. I don't remember much more about Nebraska, except that it was horrible, and that Kelly was born.
I remember some pretty crappy things about when I was at my dad's house... I remember being humiliated. I love my siblings now, but we were horrible to each other then. I was the stupid one. The PG County school educated one... the half-wit among brilliance... or at least that was what I was told. I remember my dad humiliating me because I didn't know what an opus was. He made me feel like I was only around out of obligation. He had his new family, and I never quite felt like I fit in there. I remember being tormented about stuttering... here's the thing though... that was something that I only EVER did at my dad's house. I was terrified of being humiliated, and embarrassed, that I just ended up making things worse. When I turned 17... actually, on my 17th birthday, my dad "disowned" me, because I was moving in with my grandparents. He told me that I was no longer his daughter. He told me this while I was at work. He said that he would be civil to me at my sister's wedding, but that was it. Ironic considering that he had never really been civil to me before. What's funny is that when he did this, that's when my step-mom and I started to build a relationship. Now I cannot imagine my life without her. Just after that, we went to our first Creation together... Dad, Allie, and I. We made friends that are life-long. They helped my dad and I to both forgive each other. We finally started to have a REAL relationship after that. When I found out about my dad's cancer, I was devastated. When we found out it was terminal, it just about killed me. When he died, I wanted to die. I had had too few good years with him, and now he was gone. I still think about him every day. I see him in my daughter... she is so her grandfather... she's just as nasty as he was =) I wish that my kids, and all my nieces and nephews, and all the grandkids to come could have had a chance to know him...
I've tried letting go of a lot of things that have happened to me. I have (mostly) forgiven, if not forgotten. I love my family now, I've tried to bury the past, but I know that it's part of why I am as screwed-up as I am. I constantly doubt myself, question myself, I have absolutely no faith in myself, at all.
I have been raped once, and came close a second time. Very few people know about it, and they only know because they were there for the aftermath. Both instances happened because I was so naive, and so stupid. I trusted people, even though I had learned time and time again that I shouldn't. I have been in a very abusive relationship. Thank God for my "family" across the street... if it wasn't for those boys threatening to kill him if he ever came near me again... well... I shudder to think about it.
I blame myself for these instances. If I had been smarter... paying attention, not been so... me, maybe they wouldn't have happened. Here's the thing... no matter what anyone tells me, this is how I will likely always feel. That's just me... I always blame myself.
Shortly after that, David and I reconnect. It was trouble from the beginning. We never really dated. We jumped into trouble. There were other girls throughout our whole relationship... and other men. I won't say that I was innocent in that. I wasn't. I did stupid shit, as did he. Difference was, he did it because he was a cheater... I did it because (1) I was trying, unsuccessfully, to punish him... and (2) I was lonely a lot. We fought, a lot... cops were called frequently. I was doing a lot of drugs back then, drinking a lot, and taking fistfuls of tylenol PM just to sleep my way through the... well... everything. Some people knew what was going on, most did not. I got dangerously close to over the edge. My grandmother once found an empty bottle of tylenol PM, one that she had just bought a few days before. She called 911 on me and told them I tried to commit suicide. I was given the option of jail or therapy. I chose therapy. Yeah, didn't help much. They diagnosed me with bi-polar... which I already knew... they only gave me a prescription for enough meds for 1 month... just long enough for it to start working, before they were gone. Back into the mist... the fog... the whatever. I finally stopped the drugs... well, all but the tylenol PM. I honestly don't remember when I quit taking those. But, I drank enough to make-up for the lack of drugs. With David around, there was never a lack of alcohol. I fell in too deep... and then, I was pregnant. David had just told me 1 week before that he was sleeping with 5 women at one time... I was only 1 of a posse of females he had. I left him... fell deeper. THen... I found out about the pregnancy. I didn't know what to do. My step-mom begged me to keep it. My mom begged me to come to Florida. A few begged me to get rid of "it". I couldn't. Regardless of the situation, I knew I wanted the baby. David did a 180... sort of. I remember once being pregnant, and showing up at Champions. He had told me that the Don Pablo's Christmas party had been canceled. He had already proposed to me, and he was supposed to be at my house to take me to the airport the next morning, and he was nowhere to be found... So, I knew where he was. I showed up at Champions, and there he was... with one of his other girlfriends. Wow... why was I surprised? I shouldn't have been. I started a fight... and he ended up leaving me stranded in a parking lot... in the middle of night, in Laurel, which isn't a great place to be left alone... and pregnant. Again... wow... I didn't leave though, I didn't want to be a single mom raising a kid alone. Ironic now, considering my current circumstances. We married... we made it work for a while. We moved to Florida. I was so alone. I had no friends, didn't see my family a lot... David was never around. He had friends that he continuously left me, and the kids for. I started going to school... I was trying to raise a 2 yr old, a newborn, was working full-time and going to school, and he just wasn't around to help. And he would get angry because I was spending time on school, instead of him and the kids... yet he wasn't around... again, ironic. He had friends who would constantly get him into trouble... he stay out until 4, 5, 6 in the morning sometimes. And I was home, alone... always. Then... thank God... I started my playgroup... Jax Mommies. This group saved my damn life. I finally made friends... women like me. I met amazing women... including Mindy. I don't know what the hell I would've done without her. I won't get into the mushy details... but that woman, and her family, saved me. She helped me to start to become myself again. Helped me gain control of my kids, and finally, after a while, helped me to see that it was time to let go. Let go of what I had been holding on to for so long. During this time, I also found out about David and another woman. I still don't know what completely happened, or how far it went. I do know that I found messages between them, including him telling her he loved her. It broke my heart, but, deep-down, I think I was kind of relieved. We tried one last effort to make it work, but it was too late then. I left. Mindy was there, Amanda was there, even when certain people in my family turned their backs... they were there. Amanda let the kids and I move in with her... they helped us. Again, I thank God for them. Mindy pulled me back from the edge when some heart-breaking things happened to me. That's a story for another confession, but she kept me from going completely over. Then, came the finalization of the divorce, and the fact that David was finding his current girlfriend more important than his kids. He also stopped paying child support. I couldn't afford to live in FLorida anymore. I had no choice but to come home. Home to Maryland... a place of so many bad memories, and so many good ones. People who loved me still, even though I had been gone 4 years. I'm scared of this new step. Being a single mom... of 2. Being single for the first time in 8 years... not knowing where my life is going from here. Being alone during the holidays. I feel a hole... at first I thought that I might actually be missing David... but then I realized, that's not it. I miss the idea of him. Knowing that there was someone who would be my "date" to parties, get-togethers, etc... Someone who would (eventually) make it home. Someone to share the bed with... besides my wild-sleeping toddlers. I miss the idea of being a wife... of being 1 part of 2. I'm sure I'll get over it... but damn the holidays are a bad time to be alone. I don't know what I want right now. I don't know where I am going. I don't know who I am. But it's about damn time I find out. I'm scared, I'm losing control right now. I'm, once again, going over the edge, and I don't know this time what will pull me back. I'm hoping that now that I have a job... and will have money coming in... maybe this will change. I don't know. I'm irrationally angry all the time, lashing out at my kids... the ones who need me now more than ever... and I can't help it. I hate myself for it, which just makes me more angry. It's an ugly cycle, and I have to pull myself out of it. I don't know if I am strong enough for this, but I also know that I don't have a choice, I have to be. They need me to be. I guess after so may years of being told that I will not survive alone, that I am never going to find someone to love me, someone who cares about me, someone who will "put up with me"... I started to believe it. But, I guess only time will tell. And, if it really is true... well then I eventually have to be comfortable enough with myself to know that it's okay. You don't have to be 1 part of 2 to be happy in life.
So, there's my (partial) confession... I don't know how many people will be angry with me because of all of this... but I hope that they aren't, and that they realize that confession is good for the soul...
Just some pictures....
Okay, here's some of my favorite pictures of the last few months... some of me, some of the kids... I just love to show them off...
Okay... I think those are enough pics for now... maybe more to come later =D
A New Beginning...
Okay, so I've tried this whole blogging thing once before, and it didn't really work out for me, so here I am, trying again. This is the new me. A new beginning. I'm travelling a road that I never thought that I would be travelling. In a way, it is liberating, but, it's also depressing, terrifying, and very VERY lonely.
I left my husband on July 24th of this year. I (mostly) don't regret my decision, because it was a long time coming. I sometimes wonder if our relationship was doomed to fail from the beginning. I was 16 when I met him, 18 when we started.... "dating". He's the only REAL relationship that I have ever really had. But, we went way to fast I think. I left him back in 2003, for good, or so I thought. Then, suddenly, a week later, there's pregnancy, then marriage, then a baby.... then two. A move to Florida, full independence, the works. Things went fast, and were never really thought out. Like I said, I think it was doomed for failure. We both gave what we could, but it just wasn't enough.
So, here I am, a divorced 26-yr old mother of 2. I'm on a road to independence, self-support, self-discovery, clarification, and so much more. It's time for me to figure out what the heck I want.... for the first time EVER. My ex-husband liked to tell me (often) how selfish I was. But, if he really thought about it, he would see that's not really the case. I gave up so much for him and the kids. Including my own self. I threw myself into doing things that I needed to do for them, without a whole lot of thought for what I needed. Now it's time for a little true selfishness.
I'm ready to explore... ready to try new things, meet new people, reconnect with old. Time for me to repair relationships that I ruined because of him, ties I cut-off because he didn't approve of them. It's time for me to take care of me a little. Does this mean I am going to neglect my kids? Hell no. I'm not going to turn into a bar-hopping whore who is gone all the time, never there for my kids. Spending more time with them, and learning all over again to appreciate the wonders that they are is all part of this new voyage. I let myself start to take them for granted, and it's time to put an end to that. There are so many changes to start making. Changes that I am long overdue for. I'm excited, terrified, ready, and not ready... all at the same time, if that's possible.
I am so very lucky that I have such a wonderful family, a great "extended family", and such awesome friends. I know that no matter how lonely I actually feel (and trust me, I feel very lonely, just about all the time right now), I know that I am by no means actually alone. All I need to do is turn in any direction, and there is someone there for me.
So, after all that babbling, basically... this new journal is to catalog the journey through my self-discovery. If I bore you, I am sorry. Don't read...
I left my husband on July 24th of this year. I (mostly) don't regret my decision, because it was a long time coming. I sometimes wonder if our relationship was doomed to fail from the beginning. I was 16 when I met him, 18 when we started.... "dating". He's the only REAL relationship that I have ever really had. But, we went way to fast I think. I left him back in 2003, for good, or so I thought. Then, suddenly, a week later, there's pregnancy, then marriage, then a baby.... then two. A move to Florida, full independence, the works. Things went fast, and were never really thought out. Like I said, I think it was doomed for failure. We both gave what we could, but it just wasn't enough.
So, here I am, a divorced 26-yr old mother of 2. I'm on a road to independence, self-support, self-discovery, clarification, and so much more. It's time for me to figure out what the heck I want.... for the first time EVER. My ex-husband liked to tell me (often) how selfish I was. But, if he really thought about it, he would see that's not really the case. I gave up so much for him and the kids. Including my own self. I threw myself into doing things that I needed to do for them, without a whole lot of thought for what I needed. Now it's time for a little true selfishness.
I'm ready to explore... ready to try new things, meet new people, reconnect with old. Time for me to repair relationships that I ruined because of him, ties I cut-off because he didn't approve of them. It's time for me to take care of me a little. Does this mean I am going to neglect my kids? Hell no. I'm not going to turn into a bar-hopping whore who is gone all the time, never there for my kids. Spending more time with them, and learning all over again to appreciate the wonders that they are is all part of this new voyage. I let myself start to take them for granted, and it's time to put an end to that. There are so many changes to start making. Changes that I am long overdue for. I'm excited, terrified, ready, and not ready... all at the same time, if that's possible.
I am so very lucky that I have such a wonderful family, a great "extended family", and such awesome friends. I know that no matter how lonely I actually feel (and trust me, I feel very lonely, just about all the time right now), I know that I am by no means actually alone. All I need to do is turn in any direction, and there is someone there for me.
So, after all that babbling, basically... this new journal is to catalog the journey through my self-discovery. If I bore you, I am sorry. Don't read...
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