Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Uno Mas....
Why do men only want to sleep with me and never want to be with me?
*** ANother Confession for the day ***
11 willingly, 2 unwillingly.
I don't care what you think As long as it's about me The best of us can find happiness In misery
***** Confession-for-the day*****
Hmmm.... so many to chose from, so few I can spill... let's see. Okay, a confession in relation to my above post. I like pain. I know, I'm odd. But I do... I like pain. It helps me to focus, helps me to feel. I burned myself a while back, deliberately, purposefully... and joyfully. (Despite what people think about me cutting myself over a guy.... nothing to do with that, thank-you) Although, for a while, I did cut myself. I once carved death into my arm over and over and over again... And once I was done, I was more focused and clear. Deep down, I stil have the scars from that one. I like pain inflicted by myself upon myself... I like pain when it comes to... well, intimate encounters... the only pain I don't like is the kind I cannot control (i.e. the heartbreak). So, when I encounter pain like that, I inflict physical pain upon myself to feel like I can gain more control over my life. Don't ask what I do now, I won't tell you. It's not your pain to bear, it's mine, and I like it that way.
Shinedown- Save Me
"Save Me"
I got a candle
And I've got a spoon
I live in a hallway with no doors
And no rooms
Under a windowsill
They all were found
A touch of concrete within the doorway
Without a sound
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn't handle forgiveness
Now I'm far beyond gone
I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How can I love this a life so dishonest
It made me compromise
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
Jump in the water
Jump in with me
Jump on the altar
Lay down with me
The hardest question to answer
Is why
Why
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
Someone save me
Someone save me
Somebody save me
Somebody save me
Please don't erase me
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Turtle... Becoming the Bane of my Existence
Anyway, it was good times at the Turtle anyway. Got to see Mega N, which was awesome, and got to hang-out with William and see Cyndii and Amanda. It was good times. Also met a cute guy, and that's always a bonus. We'll see =)
I've been down-in-the-dumps lately... I just have so much stuff going on lately, and most of it I can't do anything about. Heck, I can't even write about some of it in my blog. Aren't these things supposed to be like a diary? LOL, except a diary isn't exactly posted on the internet for everyone to see. Whatever. I will continue to bottle these things inside until I explode, and not in the good way.
*Giggle-worthy comment for today:
This one wasn't actually said today, but it was funny then, and funny now....
*Sissy- (pointing to my chest) "Momma, thats-a your boobies...."
*Me- "Yes, those are mine."
*Sissy- "Momma, this-a my boobies (pointing to her chest)"
*Me- "Yes Ari, those are yours."
*Sissy- (pointing to my chest again) "Momma... that's yucky."
Thanks a lot my darling daughter... Have I mention lately how much I hate my life?
***Confession-for-the-day***
Driving home last night from the Turtle... I was not sober... at all. And I was scared to death... and I seriously contemplated driving off a bridge, over a cliff, SOMETHING. The only thing that stopped me is that there are no bridges or cliffs high enough around here. I don't want to do this anymore.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Oh Where or Where Can My Baby Be?
-------------------Confession for the day-------------------
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
Applicable
Good Song...
"Savin' Me"Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
[Chorus:]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
[Chorus]
Hurry I'm fallin'
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
[Chorus]
Hurry I'm fallin'
The Veronicas- Untouched
The Veronicas- Untouched
"Untouched"
I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah
lalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalala
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don't stop
Give me give me give me what you got got
Cause I can't wait wait wait any more more more more
Don't even talk about the consequence
Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think
Cause you're the only one who's on my mind
I'll never ever let you leave me
I'll try to stop time for ever, never wanna hear you say goodbye (bye bye bye)
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched
And I need you so much
See you, breathe you, I want to be you
Alalalala alalalala
You can take take take take take time time
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life
Give me give me give me all of you you
Don't be scared
I'll see you through the loneliness of one more more more
Don't even think about what's right or wrong, wrong or right
'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around
To answer all the questions left behind
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today
You've still got me to hold you up up
And I will never let you down (down)
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched
Alalalala alalalala
Untouched
Alalalala alalalala
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched, untouched, untouched
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Long time no... type?
* Back at Debt Shield (still). Loving it. It's good to be back at a job that I really like. Plus, it pays, and that's always a benefit.
* Moved back in with the Grandparents. Yay. Not. This is already driving me insane, and I haven't even been back a full 48 hours yet. Oh hell.
* I'm having baby fever. Yes, you read it. I blame it on Rachel and Skylar. I have known for a very long time that I want another baby. One more little baby. But, then David and I got divorced, and the potential for another little baby went out the door along with everything else. I guess thinking about the possibility that I may never find someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone to marry and to live happily ever after with... someone to have a baby with, to help raise all the kids together.... Well, it gets really depressing... and lonely... then I just want to drink and drink and drink.... (note to self: get a bottle of vodka tmrw....) I mean, seriously... I am 26 years old. I am a single mom of 2 kids working a full-time job, living with my GRANDPARENTS!!! Who the hell would want anything to do with someone like me? Nobody... not one single damn person, that's who.
So yeah, bitter? Definitely. I'm just in one of those moods. Doesn't help that Mindy and I were talking about baby names again the other day...
I really like the name Kairi Nicole or Kairi Alexandra... and a few other middle names, along with the name Kairi.... So yeah.... Shoot me.
I dream lately about a beautiful little girl... I can actually see her vividly. Then I wake-up to the reality that she will likely never be born.
Shoot me.
I am lonely, and getting more so by the day.
Shoot me.
Good night.
****Confession for the day****
I am so damn depressed lately that the thought of just running away from all of it has become so damn tempting... I know the kids would be okay, nobody would let anything happen to them.... but seriously... I just want to run away from everything and crawl into a hole and never come out. Why wouldn't I just want to die, you ask? Well, thanks to Mindy, I think about the absolutely horrible purgatory I could be brought into, which includes being a fly on a wall in some situations that I REALLY don't want to witness... though unfortunately I have too many damn visuals already... so yeah... crawl into a hole and hibernate for the rest of my life. Sounds wonderful.