I was just talking to my darling Mega N. The whole purpose of this damn journal was to pour my heart and soul out... Confession, right? Wrong. I'm still so worried about what people think about me, and hurting others, and causing trouble for other people, that I can't do it. I only have half-confessionals. I still have yet been able to really poor my whole heart. I have so much building up inside, and I cannot get it all out. I can't talk about all of it. I'm hurting, I'm scared, I'm confused, I don't know what to do. IDK. Why? Because I have yet to achieve one thing in life that I wanted to achieve, yet to get what I really wanted out of life, in life, of life. I settle. I settle for what I can get, settle for what I am allowed to have, and I always end-up hurt. Why me? What happened in my life that made me think that I do not deserve to be happy? I don't know, but I wish I could figure that out. I deserve more in life than what my place in it seems to be right now. And see, I can't even really talk about this, for fear of who it could hurt, what people would think. Why do I always concern myself with what people think? I don't know the answer to that either. I don't know what the hell I am doing to myself. I am a glutton for punishment. I put myself into crappy situations and jump into more crappy situations. I put myself in a position where I know I will be hurt. But why? That's what I don't understand. I feel as though it's what I deserve... to be hurt. How screwed-up is that? But seriously, I've been such a horrible, mean, nasty person through-out most of my life... that this is my punishment... To be hurt myself. I am attracted to men who are unobtainable... who will ultimately hurt me. I know that they will hurt me... yet I still put myself in that situation. What kind of screwed-up person does that? And... again... I still can't sit here and really pour everything out like I so desperately need to do. I need to pour my soul out, I need true confessions. But, alas, something else that is unobtainable.
***** Confession-for-the day*****
Hmmm.... so many to chose from, so few I can spill... let's see. Okay, a confession in relation to my above post. I like pain. I know, I'm odd. But I do... I like pain. It helps me to focus, helps me to feel. I burned myself a while back, deliberately, purposefully... and joyfully. (Despite what people think about me cutting myself over a guy.... nothing to do with that, thank-you) Although, for a while, I did cut myself. I once carved death into my arm over and over and over again... And once I was done, I was more focused and clear. Deep down, I stil have the scars from that one. I like pain inflicted by myself upon myself... I like pain when it comes to... well, intimate encounters... the only pain I don't like is the kind I cannot control (i.e. the heartbreak). So, when I encounter pain like that, I inflict physical pain upon myself to feel like I can gain more control over my life. Don't ask what I do now, I won't tell you. It's not your pain to bear, it's mine, and I like it that way.
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