Okay, so I was pondering whilst in the shower a little while ago. I think that the men that I have encountered in my life do not actually want to "be" with me. They only want to sleep with me. I am apparently not the girl that men want to spend their lives with. I'm just the girl that men want to spend their lustful moments with. Once that is said and done, I'm generally left out in the cold. I mean, don't get me wrong, I too like the occasional romp... But, see, that's not how I want to spend my life... just having meaningless sex and one-night stands. I'm too old for that, and, honestly, I'm not really that kind of girl. Like I said, occasionally, yeah, it's fun... But... I always get hurt when that happens. Why am I the girl that people don't want to be with? Am I doomed to be perpetually single? I don't know. I honestly do not know if there has ever been a man in my life who has ever truly loved me. Maybe, in his way, David did... but I honestly think that the only reason that he married me was because I was the one of the 5 he impregnated. I think that if I hadn't gotten pregnant, he never would've married me.
Why do men only want to sleep with me and never want to be with me?
*** ANother Confession for the day ***
11 willingly, 2 unwillingly.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I don't care what you think As long as it's about me The best of us can find happiness In misery
I was just talking to my darling Mega N. The whole purpose of this damn journal was to pour my heart and soul out... Confession, right? Wrong. I'm still so worried about what people think about me, and hurting others, and causing trouble for other people, that I can't do it. I only have half-confessionals. I still have yet been able to really poor my whole heart. I have so much building up inside, and I cannot get it all out. I can't talk about all of it. I'm hurting, I'm scared, I'm confused, I don't know what to do. IDK. Why? Because I have yet to achieve one thing in life that I wanted to achieve, yet to get what I really wanted out of life, in life, of life. I settle. I settle for what I can get, settle for what I am allowed to have, and I always end-up hurt. Why me? What happened in my life that made me think that I do not deserve to be happy? I don't know, but I wish I could figure that out. I deserve more in life than what my place in it seems to be right now. And see, I can't even really talk about this, for fear of who it could hurt, what people would think. Why do I always concern myself with what people think? I don't know the answer to that either. I don't know what the hell I am doing to myself. I am a glutton for punishment. I put myself into crappy situations and jump into more crappy situations. I put myself in a position where I know I will be hurt. But why? That's what I don't understand. I feel as though it's what I deserve... to be hurt. How screwed-up is that? But seriously, I've been such a horrible, mean, nasty person through-out most of my life... that this is my punishment... To be hurt myself. I am attracted to men who are unobtainable... who will ultimately hurt me. I know that they will hurt me... yet I still put myself in that situation. What kind of screwed-up person does that? And... again... I still can't sit here and really pour everything out like I so desperately need to do. I need to pour my soul out, I need true confessions. But, alas, something else that is unobtainable.
***** Confession-for-the day*****
Hmmm.... so many to chose from, so few I can spill... let's see. Okay, a confession in relation to my above post. I like pain. I know, I'm odd. But I do... I like pain. It helps me to focus, helps me to feel. I burned myself a while back, deliberately, purposefully... and joyfully. (Despite what people think about me cutting myself over a guy.... nothing to do with that, thank-you) Although, for a while, I did cut myself. I once carved death into my arm over and over and over again... And once I was done, I was more focused and clear. Deep down, I stil have the scars from that one. I like pain inflicted by myself upon myself... I like pain when it comes to... well, intimate encounters... the only pain I don't like is the kind I cannot control (i.e. the heartbreak). So, when I encounter pain like that, I inflict physical pain upon myself to feel like I can gain more control over my life. Don't ask what I do now, I won't tell you. It's not your pain to bear, it's mine, and I like it that way.
***** Confession-for-the day*****
Hmmm.... so many to chose from, so few I can spill... let's see. Okay, a confession in relation to my above post. I like pain. I know, I'm odd. But I do... I like pain. It helps me to focus, helps me to feel. I burned myself a while back, deliberately, purposefully... and joyfully. (Despite what people think about me cutting myself over a guy.... nothing to do with that, thank-you) Although, for a while, I did cut myself. I once carved death into my arm over and over and over again... And once I was done, I was more focused and clear. Deep down, I stil have the scars from that one. I like pain inflicted by myself upon myself... I like pain when it comes to... well, intimate encounters... the only pain I don't like is the kind I cannot control (i.e. the heartbreak). So, when I encounter pain like that, I inflict physical pain upon myself to feel like I can gain more control over my life. Don't ask what I do now, I won't tell you. It's not your pain to bear, it's mine, and I like it that way.
Shinedown- Save Me
SHINEDOWN LYRICS
"Save Me"
I got a candle
And I've got a spoon
I live in a hallway with no doors
And no rooms
Under a windowsill
They all were found
A touch of concrete within the doorway
Without a sound
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn't handle forgiveness
Now I'm far beyond gone
I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How can I love this a life so dishonest
It made me compromise
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
Jump in the water
Jump in with me
Jump on the altar
Lay down with me
The hardest question to answer
Is why
Why
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
Someone save me
Someone save me
Somebody save me
Somebody save me
Please don't erase me
"Save Me"
I got a candle
And I've got a spoon
I live in a hallway with no doors
And no rooms
Under a windowsill
They all were found
A touch of concrete within the doorway
Without a sound
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn't handle forgiveness
Now I'm far beyond gone
I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How can I love this a life so dishonest
It made me compromise
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
Jump in the water
Jump in with me
Jump on the altar
Lay down with me
The hardest question to answer
Is why
Why
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
Someone save me
Someone save me
Somebody save me
Somebody save me
Please don't erase me
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Turtle... Becoming the Bane of my Existence
So, last night was Mega N's party at the Turtle. I have been to the Turtle 2 times since... well... 2003??? Yeah, that's about right. And both times I got waaaaaaaaay too drunk. This is precisely why I do not drink. The problem is... When I do actually go out, I forget that I don't drink anymore, and I start to drink like I used to. As some of you know... I used to be a BIG drinker... way too much actually.... So when a non-drinker drinks like a professional drinker... well, problems can arise. So, I once again make the decision to no longer drink.... Until the next time ;-)
Anyway, it was good times at the Turtle anyway. Got to see Mega N, which was awesome, and got to hang-out with William and see Cyndii and Amanda. It was good times. Also met a cute guy, and that's always a bonus. We'll see =)
I've been down-in-the-dumps lately... I just have so much stuff going on lately, and most of it I can't do anything about. Heck, I can't even write about some of it in my blog. Aren't these things supposed to be like a diary? LOL, except a diary isn't exactly posted on the internet for everyone to see. Whatever. I will continue to bottle these things inside until I explode, and not in the good way.
*Giggle-worthy comment for today:
This one wasn't actually said today, but it was funny then, and funny now....
*Sissy- (pointing to my chest) "Momma, thats-a your boobies...."
*Me- "Yes, those are mine."
*Sissy- "Momma, this-a my boobies (pointing to her chest)"
*Me- "Yes Ari, those are yours."
*Sissy- (pointing to my chest again) "Momma... that's yucky."
Thanks a lot my darling daughter... Have I mention lately how much I hate my life?
***Confession-for-the-day***
Driving home last night from the Turtle... I was not sober... at all. And I was scared to death... and I seriously contemplated driving off a bridge, over a cliff, SOMETHING. The only thing that stopped me is that there are no bridges or cliffs high enough around here. I don't want to do this anymore.
Anyway, it was good times at the Turtle anyway. Got to see Mega N, which was awesome, and got to hang-out with William and see Cyndii and Amanda. It was good times. Also met a cute guy, and that's always a bonus. We'll see =)
I've been down-in-the-dumps lately... I just have so much stuff going on lately, and most of it I can't do anything about. Heck, I can't even write about some of it in my blog. Aren't these things supposed to be like a diary? LOL, except a diary isn't exactly posted on the internet for everyone to see. Whatever. I will continue to bottle these things inside until I explode, and not in the good way.
*Giggle-worthy comment for today:
This one wasn't actually said today, but it was funny then, and funny now....
*Sissy- (pointing to my chest) "Momma, thats-a your boobies...."
*Me- "Yes, those are mine."
*Sissy- "Momma, this-a my boobies (pointing to her chest)"
*Me- "Yes Ari, those are yours."
*Sissy- (pointing to my chest again) "Momma... that's yucky."
Thanks a lot my darling daughter... Have I mention lately how much I hate my life?
***Confession-for-the-day***
Driving home last night from the Turtle... I was not sober... at all. And I was scared to death... and I seriously contemplated driving off a bridge, over a cliff, SOMETHING. The only thing that stopped me is that there are no bridges or cliffs high enough around here. I don't want to do this anymore.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Oh Where or Where Can My Baby Be?
.... Seriously? Where the hell has my sweet little boy gone? I miss him so much. He has become a horrible nasty little shit. He threw a horrible temper-tantrum today. I don't even really know what started it off. But... it involved him screaming, kicking, yelling, hitting... telling me that he was going to rip the bedrails off the bed so, and I quote, "So I can fall of the bed and DIE...." Seriously?? Where the hell did he get this from? He took his shoe out of my hand and started slamming it into his head.... he hit his sister, he told me he hates me, he refused to put his shoes and coat on... wouldn't get in his carseat... it was the worst fit that he has ever thrown. I seriously do not know what to do. I cannot get him under control.... I physically cannot control him... I am at a loss, I do not know what to do. Meanwhile... His sister idolizes him, and she's copying everything that he is doing... so she is starting to throw these massive fits as well. I am lost... I don't know what the hell to do. I see my kids going down a path that scares me and I don't know how to correct it. I don't know how to help him. I'm scard for him. I do NOT know what to do.
-------------------Confession for the day-------------------
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
-------------------Confession for the day-------------------
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
Applicable
Good Song...
"Savin' Me"Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
[Chorus:]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
[Chorus]
Hurry I'm fallin'
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
[Chorus]
Hurry I'm fallin'
The Veronicas- Untouched
The Veronicas- Untouched
"Untouched"
I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah
lalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalala
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don't stop
Give me give me give me what you got got
Cause I can't wait wait wait any more more more more
Don't even talk about the consequence
Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think
Cause you're the only one who's on my mind
I'll never ever let you leave me
I'll try to stop time for ever, never wanna hear you say goodbye (bye bye bye)
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched
And I need you so much
See you, breathe you, I want to be you
Alalalala alalalala
You can take take take take take time time
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life
Give me give me give me all of you you
Don't be scared
I'll see you through the loneliness of one more more more
Don't even think about what's right or wrong, wrong or right
'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around
To answer all the questions left behind
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today
You've still got me to hold you up up
And I will never let you down (down)
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched
Alalalala alalalala
Untouched
Alalalala alalalala
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched, untouched, untouched
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Long time no... type?
So, yeah... it's been crazy. I'm not going to sit here and do this big, long thing to catch everyone up through today.... Just give the basics.
* Back at Debt Shield (still). Loving it. It's good to be back at a job that I really like. Plus, it pays, and that's always a benefit.
* Moved back in with the Grandparents. Yay. Not. This is already driving me insane, and I haven't even been back a full 48 hours yet. Oh hell.
* I'm having baby fever. Yes, you read it. I blame it on Rachel and Skylar. I have known for a very long time that I want another baby. One more little baby. But, then David and I got divorced, and the potential for another little baby went out the door along with everything else. I guess thinking about the possibility that I may never find someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone to marry and to live happily ever after with... someone to have a baby with, to help raise all the kids together.... Well, it gets really depressing... and lonely... then I just want to drink and drink and drink.... (note to self: get a bottle of vodka tmrw....) I mean, seriously... I am 26 years old. I am a single mom of 2 kids working a full-time job, living with my GRANDPARENTS!!! Who the hell would want anything to do with someone like me? Nobody... not one single damn person, that's who.
So yeah, bitter? Definitely. I'm just in one of those moods. Doesn't help that Mindy and I were talking about baby names again the other day...
I really like the name Kairi Nicole or Kairi Alexandra... and a few other middle names, along with the name Kairi.... So yeah.... Shoot me.
I dream lately about a beautiful little girl... I can actually see her vividly. Then I wake-up to the reality that she will likely never be born.
Shoot me.
I am lonely, and getting more so by the day.
Shoot me.
Good night.
****Confession for the day****
I am so damn depressed lately that the thought of just running away from all of it has become so damn tempting... I know the kids would be okay, nobody would let anything happen to them.... but seriously... I just want to run away from everything and crawl into a hole and never come out. Why wouldn't I just want to die, you ask? Well, thanks to Mindy, I think about the absolutely horrible purgatory I could be brought into, which includes being a fly on a wall in some situations that I REALLY don't want to witness... though unfortunately I have too many damn visuals already... so yeah... crawl into a hole and hibernate for the rest of my life. Sounds wonderful.
* Back at Debt Shield (still). Loving it. It's good to be back at a job that I really like. Plus, it pays, and that's always a benefit.
* Moved back in with the Grandparents. Yay. Not. This is already driving me insane, and I haven't even been back a full 48 hours yet. Oh hell.
* I'm having baby fever. Yes, you read it. I blame it on Rachel and Skylar. I have known for a very long time that I want another baby. One more little baby. But, then David and I got divorced, and the potential for another little baby went out the door along with everything else. I guess thinking about the possibility that I may never find someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone to marry and to live happily ever after with... someone to have a baby with, to help raise all the kids together.... Well, it gets really depressing... and lonely... then I just want to drink and drink and drink.... (note to self: get a bottle of vodka tmrw....) I mean, seriously... I am 26 years old. I am a single mom of 2 kids working a full-time job, living with my GRANDPARENTS!!! Who the hell would want anything to do with someone like me? Nobody... not one single damn person, that's who.
So yeah, bitter? Definitely. I'm just in one of those moods. Doesn't help that Mindy and I were talking about baby names again the other day...
I really like the name Kairi Nicole or Kairi Alexandra... and a few other middle names, along with the name Kairi.... So yeah.... Shoot me.
I dream lately about a beautiful little girl... I can actually see her vividly. Then I wake-up to the reality that she will likely never be born.
Shoot me.
I am lonely, and getting more so by the day.
Shoot me.
Good night.
****Confession for the day****
I am so damn depressed lately that the thought of just running away from all of it has become so damn tempting... I know the kids would be okay, nobody would let anything happen to them.... but seriously... I just want to run away from everything and crawl into a hole and never come out. Why wouldn't I just want to die, you ask? Well, thanks to Mindy, I think about the absolutely horrible purgatory I could be brought into, which includes being a fly on a wall in some situations that I REALLY don't want to witness... though unfortunately I have too many damn visuals already... so yeah... crawl into a hole and hibernate for the rest of my life. Sounds wonderful.
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