Applicable

Good Song...

"Savin' Me"

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

[Chorus:]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

[Chorus]

Hurry I'm fallin'

All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

[Chorus]

Hurry I'm fallin'

The Veronicas- Untouched

The Veronicas- Untouched

"Untouched"

I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah
lalalalalalalala

lalalalalalalala
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don't stop
Give me give me give me what you got got
Cause I can't wait wait wait any more more more more
Don't even talk about the consequence
Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think
Cause you're the only one who's on my mind
I'll never ever let you leave me
I'll try to stop time for ever, never wanna hear you say goodbye (bye bye bye)

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched
And I need you so much

See you, breathe you, I want to be you
Alalalala alalalala
You can take take take take take time time
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life
Give me give me give me all of you you
Don't be scared
I'll see you through the loneliness of one more more more
Don't even think about what's right or wrong, wrong or right
'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around
To answer all the questions left behind
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today
You've still got me to hold you up up
And I will never let you down (down)

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched
Alalalala alalalala
Untouched
Alalalala alalalala

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched, untouched, untouched

Long time no... type?

So, yeah... it's been crazy. I'm not going to sit here and do this big, long thing to catch everyone up through today.... Just give the basics.

* Back at Debt Shield (still). Loving it. It's good to be back at a job that I really like. Plus, it pays, and that's always a benefit.

* Moved back in with the Grandparents. Yay. Not. This is already driving me insane, and I haven't even been back a full 48 hours yet. Oh hell.

* I'm having baby fever. Yes, you read it. I blame it on Rachel and Skylar. I have known for a very long time that I want another baby. One more little baby. But, then David and I got divorced, and the potential for another little baby went out the door along with everything else. I guess thinking about the possibility that I may never find someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone to marry and to live happily ever after with... someone to have a baby with, to help raise all the kids together.... Well, it gets really depressing... and lonely... then I just want to drink and drink and drink.... (note to self: get a bottle of vodka tmrw....) I mean, seriously... I am 26 years old. I am a single mom of 2 kids working a full-time job, living with my GRANDPARENTS!!! Who the hell would want anything to do with someone like me? Nobody... not one single damn person, that's who.

So yeah, bitter? Definitely. I'm just in one of those moods. Doesn't help that Mindy and I were talking about baby names again the other day...

I really like the name Kairi Nicole or Kairi Alexandra... and a few other middle names, along with the name Kairi.... So yeah.... Shoot me.

I dream lately about a beautiful little girl... I can actually see her vividly. Then I wake-up to the reality that she will likely never be born.

Shoot me.

I am lonely, and getting more so by the day.

Shoot me.

Good night.

****Confession for the day****

I am so damn depressed lately that the thought of just running away from all of it has become so damn tempting... I know the kids would be okay, nobody would let anything happen to them.... but seriously... I just want to run away from everything and crawl into a hole and never come out. Why wouldn't I just want to die, you ask? Well, thanks to Mindy, I think about the absolutely horrible purgatory I could be brought into, which includes being a fly on a wall in some situations that I REALLY don't want to witness... though unfortunately I have too many damn visuals already... so yeah... crawl into a hole and hibernate for the rest of my life. Sounds wonderful.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back!

So I had my first day back at Debt Shield today. Love being back! It was nice to see some old friends! I have training all the rest of this week, and then I'll be on the floor come Monday. Kids did well at Cindy's house, had a good time, and David didn't even want to come home, LOL... So, yeah, that's about all that happened today... Glad to have a good day though! Looking forward to tomorrow!

Confession-for-the-day:

There's someone in my past who I've been thinking about lately. I loved him very much, but our timing just wasn't right. I stumbled across a picture of us together, and a few of just him, and it got me to thinking about him. I haven't talked to him in forever, and I have no idea where he is anymore. I was really close with his parents too, and, sadly, I also lost touch with them. I wonder where he is.... and I miss him.

Yo necesito un poco de paz en mi vida...

Wow. Seriously, just wow. Not much to report today, except that I am in pain! I worked 10 hours today. BUT, I made money! Today was my last day to earn some cash... I won't work at the stand once I start my "real" job... I'll just be too tired AND I will be away from the kids for too long. Won't do that. Thank goodness for Di watching the kids today and for Mom Crump watching them all week so that I could work. They've saved my butt! I'm going to try and find some time soon to finish my shopping. I have to look for just the right bracelet for Sissy... Hope I can find it. Have a few other last minute stuff for David. So, that's it for now...

Confession-of-the-day:

I am dreading Christmas. Honestly, I can't wait for this to just be over. I used to love Christmas, now I just don't. I want it to be over. I am feeling very Scrooge-like. Bah-humbug. I'm not sure why I am not excited about it this year... could be money, could be that this is the first Christmas I've been single in a long time, and the holidays are "family" and all... IDK. Whatever.

Do You Believe in Magic?

I don't know what I believe anymore. I really don't. I feel so lost lately.... I feel like there's no place that I actually belong... no place I actually fit. I have people telling me, "Pray about it," and, "God will provide," but honestly, I just don't know that I believe that anymore. I don't know if I ever actually did. I know some people who will read this will be upset with me, and I'm sorry about that. I mean I was raised to believe in God, but I struggled with that belief all my life. I didn't know what I really believed in! I knew I was supposed to believe, and I hated that I didn't believe. So, I pretended. I didn't want anyone to know the truth. I still don't know what I believe. I mean, I would like to believe that there is a God. But honestly, I'm so angry and hurt and scared and in pain that it's hard to believe. If I believe in God, then I have to believe that he let all these bad things happen. I don't know that I want to believe that. I'm confused. Scared. Unsure. All of the above. I feel inadequate. I feel as though I am not a good parent, a good person, a good friend... any of those. I've done some pretty bad things. I've hurt a lot of people, ruined a few friendships and relationships. I've bad some piss-poor decisions, some of which have come back to "haunt" me now. I lay in bed some nights, struggling to sleep, and thinking of so many things. I sometimes let my mind wander through the different pathways that my life could have taken had I made one decision or another. All that does it depress me. And it makes me feel guilty that I think that way. And then I get mad that I feel guilty. And the cycle starts all over again. I wish I could be a better person, but I'm not. I think about certain things that I have done recently, and while part of me feels bad, the other part so does not. Then I feel guilty because I don't feel bad. It makes me wonder what the hell happened to my conscience? Did I ever have one? If I did, when did I lose it? If I didn't, why did I not have one, and what do I do to get one? All these questions... this is why I can't sleep at night. This is why even when I take 6 sleeping pills at a time, I still cannot sleep. I feel an ache in me... I feel an empty hole. I do not know WHAT should be in that empty hole, I just know it's there. I don't know how to fill it, or if it will ever be filled. So I search. I search to find what is supposed to be there, and I wonder if I will know it when I find it. So... here I am, a holey, un-holy, conscience-less, wandering, wondering fool... with no clear way to go.

Confession for today:

I had someone offer me money for... "favors" today... the confession? I actually considered it... I have no damn money... no way to pay my car insurance, bill collectors chasing after me, Christmas presents still to buy, Grandparents to pay back, I need diapers, wipes, and toothpaste for the kids... So yeah, I considered it. But, I didn't want to fulfill the prophesies of my dads and grandfather, so, I said no.

Oye...

So yeah... Worked today. It was raining... let me tell you... wet tree branches are nasty and messy... and they hurt your hands, LOL. But, I feel good at the end of the day because I know that I busted my hump for the money I'm making... so I know that I am doing whatever I can to be able to do good for my kids. More than I can say for a lot of people. I'm also excited to start my "new" job on Monday. I'm looking forward to it! Lots more work to come... yay.

Confession for today:

Honestly, there are so many many many confessions to make... and I've started to type quite a few of them, but then I think about who MIGHT read this, and I just cannot. Call me a chicken, you'd be right. So, unfortunately, as much as I want to confess all, I just can't do it. I've always been too worried about what people think about me. Okay, so that's a good confession. I try to portray myself as a confident person who does not care what people think. It's a lie. I'm so not confident. I'm very self-conscious... about the way I look, about my education, about everything. I get more self-conscious as I get older, not less. And as for the not caring what people think of me part... well, yeah, that's a lie. I have always worried about what people think of me. I don't want people to think of me as a bad person, or not like me, or whatever. I don't know why I care, but I do. THIS is why I can't really pour out all my confessions for everyone to read. I wouldn't be able to face the way people would look at me, or what they would think about me. Ugh.. yeah, I'm a chicken.