Things to think about

I get frustrated easily. I really do. It's something that I have always done, and something that, to some degree, I will always do. I have gotten better about it, and I work hard to get even better at it. I am learning to try and look at things from a different perspective. This is not always easy for me, since I always just automatically look at the bad side of everything. It's not good to be so pessimistic.

I sometimes think about how hard it is to take care of the kids while Rick is gone for his work/Army trips by myself, or drill weekends, or when he's at class or doing homework. But you know what? At least he is THERE... or gone for only a little while. I look at Marisa, my sister-in-law, and wonder how the hell she does it! One 2 yr old and a baby, husband in Egypt, won't be back until March, and she is definitely being a Rockstar mom man. I don't know how she does it except by being strong, which she is.

I think about single moms out there and how they are doing things completely by themselves, with no prospect of someone being there to help them... how do they do it? Strength, and having no other option but to do it.

Kids bring out the strength in you that you never knew you had. Things are hard, crazy, scary, but you know you have no choice but to get through it.

Kids put things in perspective for you.

I realize how lucky I am to have a huge family (most) of whom I get along with and who will be there for me and I would be there for them too. I am also lucky to have the few friends that I have. While I don't have many, that doesn't matter to me, b/c the ones I have, their golden man ;-)

I also have Rick. Lord help me, I don't know where I would be without him. I don't know where these kids would be either. He's the man I've needed for a long time, and the Daddy that these kids have always needed. He puts things into perspective too.

Anyway, enough rambling... just wanted to get all that out, lol.

It's Been A While

I just realized how long it has been since I've posted. Obviously I'm not very good at keeping up on this. A lot has happened since I last posted, more than I would even begin to post here.

The kids are back in school. David is already excelling. I got a call from his teacher saying how much she loves having David in her class, what a good student he is, and what a joy he is to teach. I love hearing those things! He's been on star every day in class, which isn't unusual for him, but we still praise him daily for it. Ari is doing well in school, stars and green every day. Unfortunately she's not doing as well at home or Nana's house... It's like she's using all her "good" at school, and leaving none of it for home. This is something that we are trying to work on. Ricky is off to a good start so far. He's already starting the tutoring with my sister, so hopefully having that from the beginning of the year will really help him to stay on track with school. I'm having positive thinking about this!

Both Ari and Jackson had their regular check-ups recently. Ari is 38lbs and 3'8"... Jackson is 25lbs and 3'2".... he's only 6" shorter than his 5 yr old sister! He's definitely going to take after his Daddy in the height aspect. Heck, he takes after Daddy in every way. We actually call him our Mini-Logan because he's so much like Logan and looks so much like him!

I'm missing Aspin, Gaige, and Logan terribly. I haven't even been able to talk to them in forever. I can't wait until they are here for Christmas!!

Right now, it's Football season. Ricky is loving it, and we're loving being part of the Wolverines again. The only downside is that during Football season, David and Ari get screwed when it comes to sports. Not that David cares much, though he does like soccer. Ari does though... she missed out on swim team, cheerleading, soccer, and we can't do dance, b/c we can't afford the monthly payments. Plus I just found out she's still too young to play basketball, so there goes that for her too. She's disappointed, but we don't have much of a choice.

Jackson is getting so big and learning so much every day!! I love this age, when everything is new and exciting. There's always so much for them to discover, and it's always fun watching them learn new things. It puts things into a different perspective. He's very adventurous... very brave... he dives into everything headfirst... with nothing but excitement or stubbornness on his mind, lol... He gets that from Daddy too ;-)

Rick and I are doing well. Rick is trying to truck his way through classes... we all just keep reminding ourselves... FEBRUARY, FEBRUARY... that's when he will be DONE done. Thank goodness, b/c I don't know how much more of this any of us can take. I will be so happy to have my boyfriend back, and I know that the kids will be happy to really have Daddy back.

So, that's the rundown for now... Brief (somewhat) and to the point, lol.

Uno Mas....

Okay, so I was pondering whilst in the shower a little while ago. I think that the men that I have encountered in my life do not actually want to "be" with me. They only want to sleep with me. I am apparently not the girl that men want to spend their lives with. I'm just the girl that men want to spend their lustful moments with. Once that is said and done, I'm generally left out in the cold. I mean, don't get me wrong, I too like the occasional romp... But, see, that's not how I want to spend my life... just having meaningless sex and one-night stands. I'm too old for that, and, honestly, I'm not really that kind of girl. Like I said, occasionally, yeah, it's fun... But... I always get hurt when that happens. Why am I the girl that people don't want to be with? Am I doomed to be perpetually single? I don't know. I honestly do not know if there has ever been a man in my life who has ever truly loved me. Maybe, in his way, David did... but I honestly think that the only reason that he married me was because I was the one of the 5 he impregnated. I think that if I hadn't gotten pregnant, he never would've married me.

Why do men only want to sleep with me and never want to be with me?


*** ANother Confession for the day ***

11 willingly, 2 unwillingly.

I don't care what you think As long as it's about me The best of us can find happiness In misery

I was just talking to my darling Mega N. The whole purpose of this damn journal was to pour my heart and soul out... Confession, right? Wrong. I'm still so worried about what people think about me, and hurting others, and causing trouble for other people, that I can't do it. I only have half-confessionals. I still have yet been able to really poor my whole heart. I have so much building up inside, and I cannot get it all out. I can't talk about all of it. I'm hurting, I'm scared, I'm confused, I don't know what to do. IDK. Why? Because I have yet to achieve one thing in life that I wanted to achieve, yet to get what I really wanted out of life, in life, of life. I settle. I settle for what I can get, settle for what I am allowed to have, and I always end-up hurt. Why me? What happened in my life that made me think that I do not deserve to be happy? I don't know, but I wish I could figure that out. I deserve more in life than what my place in it seems to be right now. And see, I can't even really talk about this, for fear of who it could hurt, what people would think. Why do I always concern myself with what people think? I don't know the answer to that either. I don't know what the hell I am doing to myself. I am a glutton for punishment. I put myself into crappy situations and jump into more crappy situations. I put myself in a position where I know I will be hurt. But why? That's what I don't understand. I feel as though it's what I deserve... to be hurt. How screwed-up is that? But seriously, I've been such a horrible, mean, nasty person through-out most of my life... that this is my punishment... To be hurt myself. I am attracted to men who are unobtainable... who will ultimately hurt me. I know that they will hurt me... yet I still put myself in that situation. What kind of screwed-up person does that? And... again... I still can't sit here and really pour everything out like I so desperately need to do. I need to pour my soul out, I need true confessions. But, alas, something else that is unobtainable.


***** Confession-for-the day*****

Hmmm.... so many to chose from, so few I can spill... let's see. Okay, a confession in relation to my above post. I like pain. I know, I'm odd. But I do... I like pain. It helps me to focus, helps me to feel. I burned myself a while back, deliberately, purposefully... and joyfully. (Despite what people think about me cutting myself over a guy.... nothing to do with that, thank-you) Although, for a while, I did cut myself. I once carved death into my arm over and over and over again... And once I was done, I was more focused and clear. Deep down, I stil have the scars from that one. I like pain inflicted by myself upon myself... I like pain when it comes to... well, intimate encounters... the only pain I don't like is the kind I cannot control (i.e. the heartbreak). So, when I encounter pain like that, I inflict physical pain upon myself to feel like I can gain more control over my life. Don't ask what I do now, I won't tell you. It's not your pain to bear, it's mine, and I like it that way.

Shinedown- Save Me

SHINEDOWN LYRICS




"Save Me"

I got a candle
And I've got a spoon
I live in a hallway with no doors
And no rooms

Under a windowsill
They all were found
A touch of concrete within the doorway
Without a sound

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn't handle forgiveness
Now I'm far beyond gone

I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How can I love this a life so dishonest
It made me compromise

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

Jump in the water
Jump in with me
Jump on the altar
Lay down with me

The hardest question to answer
Is why

Why

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

Someone save me
Someone save me
Somebody save me
Somebody save me
Please don't erase me

The Turtle... Becoming the Bane of my Existence

So, last night was Mega N's party at the Turtle. I have been to the Turtle 2 times since... well... 2003??? Yeah, that's about right. And both times I got waaaaaaaaay too drunk. This is precisely why I do not drink. The problem is... When I do actually go out, I forget that I don't drink anymore, and I start to drink like I used to. As some of you know... I used to be a BIG drinker... way too much actually.... So when a non-drinker drinks like a professional drinker... well, problems can arise. So, I once again make the decision to no longer drink.... Until the next time ;-)

Anyway, it was good times at the Turtle anyway. Got to see Mega N, which was awesome, and got to hang-out with William and see Cyndii and Amanda. It was good times. Also met a cute guy, and that's always a bonus. We'll see =)

I've been down-in-the-dumps lately... I just have so much stuff going on lately, and most of it I can't do anything about. Heck, I can't even write about some of it in my blog. Aren't these things supposed to be like a diary? LOL, except a diary isn't exactly posted on the internet for everyone to see. Whatever. I will continue to bottle these things inside until I explode, and not in the good way.

*Giggle-worthy comment for today:

This one wasn't actually said today, but it was funny then, and funny now....

*Sissy- (pointing to my chest) "Momma, thats-a your boobies...."
*Me- "Yes, those are mine."
*Sissy- "Momma, this-a my boobies (pointing to her chest)"
*Me- "Yes Ari, those are yours."
*Sissy- (pointing to my chest again) "Momma... that's yucky."

Thanks a lot my darling daughter... Have I mention lately how much I hate my life?


***Confession-for-the-day***

Driving home last night from the Turtle... I was not sober... at all. And I was scared to death... and I seriously contemplated driving off a bridge, over a cliff, SOMETHING. The only thing that stopped me is that there are no bridges or cliffs high enough around here. I don't want to do this anymore.

Oh Where or Where Can My Baby Be?

.... Seriously? Where the hell has my sweet little boy gone? I miss him so much. He has become a horrible nasty little shit. He threw a horrible temper-tantrum today. I don't even really know what started it off. But... it involved him screaming, kicking, yelling, hitting... telling me that he was going to rip the bedrails off the bed so, and I quote, "So I can fall of the bed and DIE...." Seriously?? Where the hell did he get this from? He took his shoe out of my hand and started slamming it into his head.... he hit his sister, he told me he hates me, he refused to put his shoes and coat on... wouldn't get in his carseat... it was the worst fit that he has ever thrown. I seriously do not know what to do. I cannot get him under control.... I physically cannot control him... I am at a loss, I do not know what to do. Meanwhile... His sister idolizes him, and she's copying everything that he is doing... so she is starting to throw these massive fits as well. I am lost... I don't know what the hell to do. I see my kids going down a path that scares me and I don't know how to correct it. I don't know how to help him. I'm scard for him. I do NOT know what to do.
-------------------Confession for the day-------------------
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you